Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

June 9, 2009 at 9:51 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m all about change.  I keep making obnoxious Colbertesque claims that I can directly change the world.  I even voted Obama in the last general election.  Well, if I’m so powerful, today’s lesson is about something I want to see change sooner than later.

Let me set the scene for you.  Close your eyes and go to your happy place – but first find someone to read the rest of this for you.

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Okay ready?  Thanks, reader’s friend.  Here’s the sitch: You just got home from an exhausting day of work and you can’t wait to just chill out on your couch for the next couple hours watching your favorite TV show.  There’s a marathon tonight.  Incidentally, you’re a weirdo so it’s NCIS.  You can’t find the remote but that’s okay.  The TV is already on whatever channel carries NCIS so you walk up to it, flip it on manually and plop down on the couch for an enjoyable evening.  All is going exactly to plan.  The beginning of the show is great!  I don’t know what that show is about so I can’t give an example of a good opening scene but the picture is clear and the volume is perfect.  It’s a great evening.  Do you still have your eyes closed and your good friend reading to you?  I want you to imagine hard.  Okay so it’s a great evening.  Then the show goes to commercial, exactly as planned.  Unfortunately, the volume of the commercial is about 4 decibals (I think that’s a measure of volume) higher than that of the show.  Your relaxed vibe is ruined and you have to get up off your comfy ass and search under all the cushions for the remote so you can adjust the volume, all the while listening to Jack in the Box’s little people sing to you about mini sirloin burgers (which I am surprised is PC enough to be on TV). 

 

Herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they're cattle

Herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they're cattle

 

 

Alright you can open your eyes again.  Thanks, reading friend.  Why don’t we standardize volume?  I’m so tired of having to turn it up and down from commercials to TV shows.  I imagine commercial producers make them louder so they grab your attention.  However, in my case, the change in volume just makes me want to urinate on their product. 

The shows themselves can even sometimes vary wildly.  Comedy Central is bad about this – especially the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report.  They are incredibly quiet.  Then when you change the channel after they’re over, the sonic boom of the regularly volumed station is almost deafening.

I guess the moral of the story today is that we should standardize volume all across television.  If you agree with me, write your congressman.  They make all sorts of stupid laws.  Why not one that is my idea?

 

Write your Representative

Write your Representative

 

 

PS – I realize that’s not what makes sonic booms.

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Elementary, My Dear Watson

April 4, 2009 at 12:30 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I’ve spent a lot of time watching mystery crime shows on TV.  I’ve spent a substantial amount of time watching CSI, CSI: New York, Monk, Psych, even Law & Order: SVU and CSI: Miami.  I think there are others but I can’t remember them right now.  At any rate, I’ve noticed a pattern.  It turns out my laze has actually been research.  I’ve figured out the algorithim – not necessarily mathematically or that I can prove, but  I love to miseuse terms that sound smart but I don’t completely understand.  I have a sure-fire way to solve the crime within the first 25 minutes of the hour long come-drama.

Here goes.  Pay attention to the non-regular cast of the episode you’re watching, the one-episode minor characters, if you will.  Occasionally, there will be one character you’ve seen before in a different show as a minor character, or even a C-list celebrity whose name you actually know.  That’s the killer.  That’s the guy.  They’re not going to waste their time coming on a detective show unless they get to be the killer.  Of course there are rare exceptions to the rule I just made up, but I think it holds true a majority of the time.  Of course there aren’t enough C-list celebrities to go around so there are quite a few episodes that will use regular actors who you don’t notice from anywhere else.  In these situations you’re going to have to guess the killer the same way I live every day – by throwing out wild accusations at every character who comes on the screen.  It’s like the lotto.  You’ve got to play to win.  Good luck.

Somebody’s got to lotto.  It might as well be you.

Everybody Loves... MURDER!

Everybody Loves... MURDER!

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