Elementary, My Dear Watson

April 4, 2009 at 12:30 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I’ve spent a lot of time watching mystery crime shows on TV.  I’ve spent a substantial amount of time watching CSI, CSI: New York, Monk, Psych, even Law & Order: SVU and CSI: Miami.  I think there are others but I can’t remember them right now.  At any rate, I’ve noticed a pattern.  It turns out my laze has actually been research.  I’ve figured out the algorithim – not necessarily mathematically or that I can prove, but  I love to miseuse terms that sound smart but I don’t completely understand.  I have a sure-fire way to solve the crime within the first 25 minutes of the hour long come-drama.

Here goes.  Pay attention to the non-regular cast of the episode you’re watching, the one-episode minor characters, if you will.  Occasionally, there will be one character you’ve seen before in a different show as a minor character, or even a C-list celebrity whose name you actually know.  That’s the killer.  That’s the guy.  They’re not going to waste their time coming on a detective show unless they get to be the killer.  Of course there are rare exceptions to the rule I just made up, but I think it holds true a majority of the time.  Of course there aren’t enough C-list celebrities to go around so there are quite a few episodes that will use regular actors who you don’t notice from anywhere else.  In these situations you’re going to have to guess the killer the same way I live every day – by throwing out wild accusations at every character who comes on the screen.  It’s like the lotto.  You’ve got to play to win.  Good luck.

Somebody’s got to lotto.  It might as well be you.

Everybody Loves... MURDER!

Everybody Loves... MURDER!


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In Your Shoes

March 19, 2009 at 12:27 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

I would like to write about a phenomenon.  No, not the 90’s John Travolta movie where he can perform magic because he has a brain tumor.  Everyone likes TV-on-DVD marathons, right?  Wait, let me go back.  I watch television.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  At least I don’t think there is.  However, when you start to watch enough of the same show, say during a tv marathon or a dvd season set, you begin to notice the unique style of the director/filmmaker/producer/what-have-you.

So far so good, right?  Alright, here’s where it probably starts to become less healthy.  When I watch a lot of episodes of a television show in a short amount of time, I start to see through the lens of the show I’m most familiar with at the time.  For example, for some reason unbeknownst to me, A&E has a marathon of CSI: Miami on pretty much every day.  One slow day after watching about the show for a while, I walked out of my room and scraped my shoulder on the door on the way to the shower.  Although clumsy, this was not necessarily out of the ordinary.  However, as soon as the event took place, I looked down and saw a red scrape.  Don’t worry.  I’m okay.  Of course then in my mind, I did one of those weird CSI super close up slow motion blurry camera things that they do when evidence is created that will later allow them to solve the case.  I imagined myself walking through the door, scraping my shoulder, and then zooming into the doorframe to show some microscopic piece of DNA that would link me to my room.

Alright, so it seems like Scrubs, is on about 15 times a day if you look in the right places (Comedy Central & WGN mostly, I think).  Well, after being exposed to extended amounts of Scrubs, I think I daydream more – about semi-related silly things that could never happen in real life.  Alright, enough explanation on that one.  That’s sufficient.  Let’s move on.

One more example and then I’ll give up on showing you how my mind works for today.  I’ve been watching Monk lately.  I like it no matter what my girlfriend says!  Anyway, it seems like after watching a few episodes of Monk, I have the urge to straighten things up and make them symmetrical – but only for a second until I realize I don’t have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  Then I snap back into reality and messy things don’t bother me.  I also don’t solve crimes with almost no evidence.

Anyway, I think the lesson to be learned here is that I need to watch more TV about people who read more or cure cancer or something productive.  I don’t know if I can be fooled that easily, though.  At any rate, TV rots your brain kids.  It’s like hallucinating without the drugs.  It can also completely destroy your attention span – so much that you might not even have the ability to finish projects that you


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Miami Style

January 13, 2009 at 12:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

CSI Miami is a horrible show.  That doesn’t stop me from watching it.  The level of cheese on this “drama” is would put a Swiss cheesery to shame, even if it just got hit with a Parmesan truck driven by Chuck E. Cheese.  I’ve got nothing against the original Las Vegas or New York versions of the show.  They may perhaps be unbelievable at times, coming up with the one lucky piece of evidence that they need to put a bad guy away within an hour’s time, but you won’t see Gil Grissom or Lieutenant Dan step out of a Hummer, or dealing with undercover supposedly-dead cops, only sexy killers, or the Cuban mafia any time soon.

The show is bad, but it feels so good to watch.  Horatio, the main detective has somehow become a superhuman, ever-righteous, semi-omnipotent figure who is obsessed with saying something dramatically cheesy in just about every episode.  For those of you who haven’t seen the show, I’ll go ahead and include a video of some of the best dramatic moments.  Pay attention to the deep voice tone and the inflection, whether or not it’s appropriate.  Enjoy!

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