October 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

It’s an election year.  I can’t just put on blinders and pretend like it’s not.  That’d be un-American.  So without further adieu, I need to get on to the biggest hot-button issue that neither of the candidates has the, um, fortitude to tackle.  In fact, none of the journalists I’ve seen even has the, um, fortitude to ask about it.  And no, I’m not talking about immigration reform, or the long-term sustainability of social security (protip: contribute to your retirement fund).  I’m, of course, talking about how each man would handle the imminent zombie apocalypse.

So, without further further adieu, I’d like to speculate blindly about how either of the candidates would fare in the BATTLE FOR BRAINZ.  No.  I don’t like that title.  I’m going to speculate blindly about how either of the candidates would fare in Zombie Apocalypse-gate (if it’s a political situation, you know it’s bad when they add ‘gate’ to the end).  Actually, that’s still no good.  How about something about a candidate who cares not only about Wall Street, but also about Main Stre-OH MY GOD IT’S ZOMBIES!.  No.  Okay, let’s move on.  I’m sure inspiration will come to me later.

Credit to PinkRaygun.com

“Zombie Romney” has a nice ring to it.

Of course there are going to be a few factors to take into account as far as both of these men’s individual survival is concerned.  The first, and probably most important is going to be location.  However, since either would be in the White House if he were to win, this is kind of a non-starter.  Secondly, the people around them are an incredibly important factor.  Of course, regardless of which man is elected, he will probably be mostly surrounded by the Secret Service.

Credit to reedperry.com

But how could I vote against quality artwork like this?

Actually, come to think of it, the “big picture” kind of thinking that is well-suited for Presidency is not the same attitude that will help you survive during the end of days (zombie style).  If either of the candidates had served active military duty, I’d probably give that person the edge right off the bat.  Neither wins that, though.

Since Obama’s 51 to Romney’s 65, and Obama has a reputation for playing basketball, I’ve got to give the quickness edge to Obama.  However, I also see Romney is being more accepting of the idea that you must destroy the brain to defeat a zombie, a concept which all zombie movie victims have trouble with at first.

There are so many unknown factors here (like where the outbreak starts, how much warning everyone has, the speed of the zombies, how the zombies deal with water, and whether or not they can they open doors) that I really can’t guess who would be the best leader.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I just want the Presidential candidates to soothe us with sweet sweet lies about how they’d deal with zombies.  Toss it into your stump speeches.  The CDC is already prepared.  For realz.

PS – Do you think bites are covered by ZombamaCare?

PPS – Zombie Policy would actually probably be called something really boring like “The Extermination Plan for the Pulse-Impaired” with journalists dubbing it something stupid like, “ZombieWatch 2013”


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Doublin’ Down on Da VP

April 13, 2010 at 8:30 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Today I’m here simply to follow up my previous post.  My fellow Americans, today marks a huge victory for those of us who want universal health care reform t-shirts.  We have fought long and hard for this day, and it wasn’t easy, but victory is finally ours.  That’s right, the Obama website announced that they will officially be printing and selling the “Health Reform is  BFD” t-shirts (technically giving away for free if you happen to donate $25 to Organizing for America).  So if you want to order yours, mosey on over to this website.  They’re also good for haters – they make great shop rags or paintball testing targets.

Indeed it is, Joey B

I, as the conveyer of all things important, must also include part of the item description to you:

There are things that are a big deal — birthdays, anniversaries, the NCAA Championship game. And then there are things that are a BFD, like delivering health insurance to 32 million Americans. We worked hard together to make health reform a reality, and now you can celebrate this historic victory with this shirt.

Again, for good measure, I’m including a video about Joe Biden, that suave son of a bitch, from The Onion.

Edit: If videos aren’t for you, read this story about Biden from The Onion as well.

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Biddin’ on Biden

March 31, 2010 at 9:05 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I’m going to get some hateful comments for even mentioning the health care reform act, but a young John Wayne once told me a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and I’m the kind of guy who listens to young John Wayne.

So this post doesn’t have anything to do with the health reform substantively, but the response.  I know.  I’m throwing you a change-up.  I think you can handle it.  Prepare yourself though.  I’m not even going to address the tea party response or general negative sentiment that dominates some’s opinion of the current administration (beyond that sentence).  Instead, I’m going to address the ol’ VP’s response.  In introducing President ‘Bama, Joey B. “accidentally” said into the hot mic, “This is a big f*cking deal” in an off the cuff aside to the President.  Don’t believe me? ROLL FILM.

You may have to turn it up a bit, but someone on youtube thoughtfully plastered it across the video at the appropriate time.

Anyway, the thing that I think is funny is that the Obama website is having a vote on which t-shirt should be the official commemorative health care reform t-shirt.  Of course it’s a huge trick to get you to donate money, but one of the choices is this:

Instead of brushing Biden under the rug for another gaffe, the Obama camp has literally turned it into a t-shirt.  I dig.

For good measure, here’s a video from The Onion about Biden.

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Barack Skywalker

September 17, 2009 at 5:03 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

It’s uncanny how well I predict the future sometimes.  For instance, some of you may remember back on January 23, 2009, I introduced you to a little collectable I like to call the Barack Obama action figure.  Check it.  I can’t change the dates on these things as far as I know so that mamma jamma’s real.  Well now 8 months later, in the midst of Chicago vying to host the Olympic games in 2016, President Obama must have read of my uncanny ability to get things done just by writing about them and decided to try to appease me for help.  Yes, Mr. President.  Because you’re trying so hard, it shall be so.  I’m telling you right here and now that I predict Chicago will host the Olympic games in 2016.  You can mark it down on your 7 year calendar.

I also think President Obama is using the force to help influence the Olympic Committee.  I can imagine the conversation.

“I’m Barack Obama.  You do not need to see my identification.”

“We don’t need to see your identification.”

“This is the city you’re looking for.”

“This is the city we’re looking for.”

“You can go about your business.”

“We’re going to go about our business.”

I’m pretty sure that’s how it went down.

Congratulations, Chicago.  Chiggetty-Check it.

September 16, 2009

September 16, 2009

Original - January 2009

Original - January 2009

Take a closer look.  I dare you.  He’s got on a white shirt and dark pants, a blue lightsaber, and even a tie with a red pattern.  If that doesn’t say he’s recreating the picture, I don’t know what does.

Interestingly, if we could pan a little bit on the new photograph, we would see Dick Cheney dressed in a black robe holding his red lightsaber (Get it? He’s evil!)

I thought you might like to see it turned on, too

I thought you might like to see it turned on, too

May the force be with you.

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Batter Up

February 8, 2009 at 6:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )


As a precursor to this statement, please remember this is not a political post.  I’ve set my politics aside for this post. For this exercise, let’s forget how we feel about stimulus plans, universally affordable health care, timelines for withdrawal, breaking racial barriers, and all the other political issues that draw divides.  I just want to express to everyone that I am excited about our President.

The reason I’m currently excited about our President is that the professional football season is over.  Confused?  Stay with me.  I’ll lead you to water.  Since the football season is officially over, pro hockey is a joke, pro basketball  is unentertaining, and I’m not even sure when the pro soccer season is, as far as I’m concerned baseball season is right around the corner.  Baseball season starting means opening day.  Opening day means President Obama throws out the ceremonial first pitch at a game.

President Obama Throwing a Snowball

President Obama Throwing a Snowball

Politics aside, as I’ve tried so hard to stress so far, we’ve got a pretty athletic president.  I’m excited to see the southpaw bring the heat.  Everyone else is focused on what kind of dog the Obamas will get.  Wrong frivilous conversation.  The correct frivilous pop culture conversation is speculating what kind of first pitch he’ll throw.  The options, as far as I see them are to go halfway to the mound and throw a ball into a rainbow 20 feet high or to try to throw a decent speed.  It’s not that far.  I have faith.

Now enjoy pictures of George W. Bush and Woodrow Wilson throwing first pitches.  I am also adding in Dick Cheney to prove that anybody can do it (I bet he threw a rainbow).

George W. Bush

George W. Bush

Woodrow Wilson.  Apparently they used to throw the first pitch from the stands

Woodrow Wilson. Apparently they used to throw the first pitch from the stands

Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney having his bi-annual doctor ordered "fun"

As an aside, most people know Obama is a more active playing basketball than playing catch.  Might we one day see a ceremonial first free throw for the opening day of basketball season?  Yes.  It’s silly, but how much sillier than a ceremonial first pitch?  I’ll be perfectly fine taking full credit for this new American tradition.  Anyway, in the end I think all I really know is that I’d pay to see the ceremonial first tackle of the NFL season!


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Executive Privilege

January 23, 2009 at 12:36 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

Today I’m going light on words and heavy on pictures.  Although I guess a picture is worth a thousand words so maybe I’m dropping like 9000 words on you.  Think about it.  I’m going to cut through the bull with you today and tell you from the get-go that I found a Japaneese website that is apparently selling a Barack Obama action figure.  That’s fine.  Plenty of people are capitalizing monetarily on the new President.  I’ll show you some pics.

It starts out innocently enough. Looks like a pretty high quality doll.  The face might be a little off, but I’m willing to forgive and forget.


Innocent enough.  It even comes with a little stool, a microphone, and an American flag.  Cute.


Then it starts to get weird.  I’ll let you look at the rest without captions.



Just in case you want to see the President as a stereotypical black comedian
Just in case you want to see the President as a stereotypical black comedian

Anyway, I hope after seeing President Obama fight Lord Vader, you’re feeling as patriotic as I am.  Good luck looking badass next to Darth Vader, Vladimir Putin.  He’s got the dark side of the force.  You’ve got the dark side of Eurasia.

I also think after action figure Obama shoots someone he should say something cheesy like James Bond.  Like “This is an executive order,” “A handgun I can believe in,” “I nominate you… to die!” or “I HOPE you brought an extra CHANGE of underwear!” If someone takes that idea and runs with it, I call a cut of the profits from the cartoon!

As an added bonus, I’m including a picture of a sexy Catholic school girl Sarah Palin action figure.


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