October 28, 2012 at 5:21 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

It’s an election year.  I can’t just put on blinders and pretend like it’s not.  That’d be un-American.  So without further adieu, I need to get on to the biggest hot-button issue that neither of the candidates has the, um, fortitude to tackle.  In fact, none of the journalists I’ve seen even has the, um, fortitude to ask about it.  And no, I’m not talking about immigration reform, or the long-term sustainability of social security (protip: contribute to your retirement fund).  I’m, of course, talking about how each man would handle the imminent zombie apocalypse.

So, without further further adieu, I’d like to speculate blindly about how either of the candidates would fare in the BATTLE FOR BRAINZ.  No.  I don’t like that title.  I’m going to speculate blindly about how either of the candidates would fare in Zombie Apocalypse-gate (if it’s a political situation, you know it’s bad when they add ‘gate’ to the end).  Actually, that’s still no good.  How about something about a candidate who cares not only about Wall Street, but also about Main Stre-OH MY GOD IT’S ZOMBIES!.  No.  Okay, let’s move on.  I’m sure inspiration will come to me later.

Credit to PinkRaygun.com

“Zombie Romney” has a nice ring to it.

Of course there are going to be a few factors to take into account as far as both of these men’s individual survival is concerned.  The first, and probably most important is going to be location.  However, since either would be in the White House if he were to win, this is kind of a non-starter.  Secondly, the people around them are an incredibly important factor.  Of course, regardless of which man is elected, he will probably be mostly surrounded by the Secret Service.

Credit to reedperry.com

But how could I vote against quality artwork like this?

Actually, come to think of it, the “big picture” kind of thinking that is well-suited for Presidency is not the same attitude that will help you survive during the end of days (zombie style).  If either of the candidates had served active military duty, I’d probably give that person the edge right off the bat.  Neither wins that, though.

Since Obama’s 51 to Romney’s 65, and Obama has a reputation for playing basketball, I’ve got to give the quickness edge to Obama.  However, I also see Romney is being more accepting of the idea that you must destroy the brain to defeat a zombie, a concept which all zombie movie victims have trouble with at first.

There are so many unknown factors here (like where the outbreak starts, how much warning everyone has, the speed of the zombies, how the zombies deal with water, and whether or not they can they open doors) that I really can’t guess who would be the best leader.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I just want the Presidential candidates to soothe us with sweet sweet lies about how they’d deal with zombies.  Toss it into your stump speeches.  The CDC is already prepared.  For realz.

PS – Do you think bites are covered by ZombamaCare?

PPS – Zombie Policy would actually probably be called something really boring like “The Extermination Plan for the Pulse-Impaired” with journalists dubbing it something stupid like, “ZombieWatch 2013”


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I Been Here for Years

October 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm (Uncategorized) ()

I guess it’s that time again.  Time to write in this thing.  This is 2012 now, right?  I’m sorry to have left you all wanting more from me for the last two years, but I’ve been preoccupied.  I’ve been travelling in a time machine – forward – at regular speed.  It’s more of a box than a time machine, I guess.  Anyway, It’s good to see the sun again at any rate.  I imagine anyone who reads this has felt lost for the last two years without my clever posts, diverse vocabulary, and, um, lists of 3 things.  I think it would only be proper for me to update you loyal readers on the goings on of the world from April 13, 2010 to today.

April 14, 2010 – I got in that cardboard box.

April 15, 2010 – October 24, 2012 – How the hell should I know?  I was in that damn box!

You folks are lucky. I very nearly did a juxtaposition of popular trends from 2010 compared to 2012.  I’m better than that.  You’re better than that.  Plus, I actually started doing it, and it felt dated by the time I finished typing it.  Now you don’t have to hate and judge me as I make thinly veiled observations about how Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong were both sponsored by Nike.  Or about how Facebook sort of sucks nowadays.

If I were being personal, I would tell you that I finished graduate school, am working a good job, married a wonderful girl, and bought a house.  That’s not what this is about, though!  It’s about me slowly inching my way out of retirement and trying to help ya’ll waste away time online that’s not on Facebook (because it sort of sucks nowadays).

Don’t call it a comeback.

"Dodgeball" is tainted now too.

He actually is not allowed to come back.

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