People Watching

February 26, 2009 at 6:21 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

I think my nightstand is holding my alarm clock hostage.

I don’t have definitive evidence to back up that statement.  It’s just a hunch.  I came to this realization as I laid down this afternoon and I realized that twice a day my alarm clock is sending me a coded message.

Every day right after 5:04 and before 5:06, for exactly one minute, my digital alarm clock spells out the international distress signal: S.O.S.

And they keep trying to tell me inanimate objects don’t think.  I think this proves my point conclusively.

Please don’t tell the refrigerator.

This guy knows what I'm talking about

This guy knows what I'm talking about

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Ten Thousand Years Will Give You Such a Crick in the Neck

February 25, 2009 at 12:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

Preparedness is key in life. That’s why I unnecessarily work out solutions to problems that I don’t have in my free time. That way if one of my unusual scenarios were to present itself, I would be ready. You don’t follow so far? That’s fine. You’ll catch up.

I recently watched an episode of the old Twilight Zone in which a man and his wife come upon a genie. It got me thinking. He gives them 4 wishes. For their first wish, they ask him to fix a pane of glass that’s broken in their store just to see if he can. WRONG! Bad first wish. Shoot for the moon. What do you have to lose? Second wish – 1 million dollars. WRONG! They gave out a bunch of money to poor people and the IRS showed up and took the rest. Bad second wish. Third wish – to be the supreme ruler who can’t be voted out of office of a contemporary foreign country. WRONG! The genie made him Hitler at the end of WWII. Fourth wish – to be back where he started. This may be the worst wish of all. In theory, he gained perspective on what really mattered. The only thing that was different is that the glass panel was fixed. He broke that in the exact same place as he was cleaning up after himself. IRONY!

I’ve seen my fair share of genie movies and I’d like to offer my professional critique of this fool’s wishes and a genie guide, if you will. First of all, don’t waste a wish just to see if the genie’s legit. Malarkey! Jump right in. Like I said earlier, you’ve got nothing to lose.

Second wish – cash money. In theory and at first glance this is a good wish. Everyone could use money. This guy went astray when he put a concrete value on his wish. Additionally, we see his first instance of not adding stipulations to protect his wish. He should have wished that every time he went to buy something, he would have the exact change in his pocket and that no one would ever ask any questions about it or try to tax it. In reality, this would be a sufficient wish for most. Throw the other two (or three) wishes away, I say.

Third wish – supreme unimpeachable ruler of a contemporary foreign country. This wish is flawed from the start. If I were his genie, I would have given him a shitty country, too. He didn’t wish that it was a country where he could understand the language, a successful country, or a country where the masses even liked him. Plus, he has no experience running a country. I, personally, would avoid this wish altogether, but if it had to be made, I would wish to be the popular and ethical ruler of an English speaking financially stable country – even specify which one. However, if it were me making the wish, I would take a page from King Solomon and wish for infinite wisdom. Then I could see what the best path was and what steps I should take to become ruler, if that sort of thing is my bag.

Fourth wish – things to go back to normal. That’s bush league. Grow a pair, guy in the Twilight Zone. You can’t dig yourself out of a hole if you put down the shovel. I say keep shooting for the moon. If he would have followed my progression of wishes, he would be incredibly wise by now and make an even better wish than I can come up with now. For that reason, I won’t spell out my last wish until I’m supremely wise.

Abridged Guide to Wishing

1. Don’t waste a wish to see if the genie’s legit.

2. Take your time. You don’t have to make all your wishes at once.

3. Add as many stipulations to your wish as you can.

4. Stay away from concrete numbers. You can only run out of something if you set a limit to it.

5. Try to get away with wishing for more wishes.  It probably won’t work but if it does, you’re set!

6. Use one of your wishes to do something nice for someone else. This keeps karma off your ass.

From what I gather, books, shows, and movies that have genies are supposedly made to teach us to be happy with what we have. Eff that! The real lesson is to think long and hard about your wishes before you make them. I hope this has been educational and entertaining. If you ever find a genie, keep me in mind and throw a lil scratch my way, I say.

stgenie_400x300

Post-script:

This all goes for deals with the devil too, if you’re into that sort of thing.

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McDreamy, McSteamy, & McDelicious

February 24, 2009 at 11:53 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

So I’m sitting in the Physical Science building on campus in the hallway because Tuesdays and Thursdays I have almost 2 hours of free time between classes and I just mess around on my laptop.  That’s the uninteresting part.  The peculiar part is that either I’m going crazy or someone nearby smells exactly like McDonalds double cheeseburgers.  Yes, double cheeseburgers.  I have a very refined nose when it comes to this.  This is high class – not that McDouble crap.  I’m not even hungry.  I ate breakfast today.

What’s up with that?

The lesson today is to avoid the kid in class who smells like fast food.  Live long and prosper.

Way too clean

Way too clean

By the way, I’m hungry now.  Can I borrow $1.39?

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Chocolometry

February 24, 2009 at 1:32 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

Frugality?  Inflated Narcissism?  Gluttony?  Maybe my actions do fit into all those words but can you really blame me for buying myself a candy heart when Walgreen’s Valentine’s Day merchandise is 75% off and Hershey’s Pot of Gold Fine Confections is so good?  Plus, it’s cheap, I love myself so much, and food fills the sad times!

By the way, it was only $2.50.  Suck on that, guy who invested in a bag of Skittles!

Heart Box

Heart Box

Plus

Plus

Hershey's Pot of Gold

Hershey's Pot of Gold

Equals

Equals

Pure Happiness

Pure Happiness

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Bowling Over the Competition

February 20, 2009 at 2:21 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

It looks like short entries are a theme lately.  I’ve decided to bring back to life some old bowling pins that I painted over the last couple years.  They’re oldies but goodies, if you will.  (And I know you will). Enjoy.  And yes I actually did make these myself.

n31108203_30901339_2498

Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners

The Dude

The Dude

Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson (in case you couldn't tell)

Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

It was an episode.  Check on it.  I dare you.

It was an episode. Check on it. I dare you.

SoCo

SoCo

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You’re a Crook, Captain Hook

February 19, 2009 at 7:26 pm (Uncategorized) ()

Today’s post is void of my usual hilarious insights, but it had been a few days since I wrote and I don’t want to leave my loyal fan base in limbo for too long.  So without further adieu, here’s a silly cartoon I found online.

when-i-pee-copy1

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Seeing With Your Heart (catachresis)

February 17, 2009 at 3:40 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

Let’s play the non-sequitur game! I’ll make a short list of seemingly unrelated statements and then I’ll try to bring them all together. Shall we?

*I have a word of the day calendar. I was given the calendar as a gift for Christmas. I try to keep up with it but sometimes fail. Today’s word is catachresis: 1. use of the wrong word for the context. 2. use of a forced and especially paradoxical figure of speech. *Because the word “journal” itself derives from a word meaning “day,” Mrs. James was of the opinion that the phrase “daily journal” is a catachresis.

*Saturday’s word of the day was belated. I didn’t get around to changing it from belated until today.

*Frank Sinatra performed the song “Strangers In the Night” in 1966.

*An acronym is when you take the first letter of each word in a phrase or group name and use those to spell another word.

*Saturday was Valentine’s Day.

Here goes:
The acronym for Valentine’s Day is VD, and I can’t decide whether that’s appropriate or inappropriate for the holiday. All I know is that whether it’s 2009 or 1966, depending on the route fate takes you, strangers in the night can lead to either kind of VD, and probably sometimes both. Anyway, I’d like to send out a happy belated Valentine’s Day with a paper heart (catachresis).

paperheart

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Always Low Prices, Always

February 15, 2009 at 11:55 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I haven’t gone completely “green.”  I recycle cans because I get paid to recycle cans.  I don’t recycle plastic or glass because that’s just too much hassle for mother-earth.  Sorry, Captain Planet.  I know I wrote a whole entry about using dogs’ wagging tails as an alternative energy source.  Let’s be honest – we’re at least 3 years away from that being our primary energy source.

In the meantime, I bet there are small actions we can take to make a big difference! That is, of course, on the condition that they’re less cumbersome than trying to recycle plastic or glass.

The point I’m trying to get at is that Wal-Mart is an evil corporation.  Before you try to tell me that’s not related, think about it more closely.  As a related sidetrack, everyone who’s anyone knows my blog entries have 3 main objectives.  1 of course is to inform.  2 is to engage the reader (you right now) in critical thinking.  3 is to feed my unquenchable narcissism.

Anyway, as I was saying, think about it more closely.  Have you been to Wal-Mart any time recently?  They put like 2 items in each bag.  They’ll put milk, an item that already has a handle, in a bag.  I theorize that cashiers get paid a commission for each bag that’s used at their register.  This is where my serious observation and theory ends.  Now we pick up with my ridiculous take on the matter.

Wal-Mart is in cahoots with Middle Eastern terrorist organizations.  Oil byproducts are used to produce the plastic used to create plastic bags.  The more bags we use, the higher demand for oil remains, the higher gas prices stay, the more we pollute and create greenhouse gasses which causes global warming.  The global warming creates the polar ice caps to melt.  This influx in water floods the entire United States, killing the majority of Americans and destroying our way of life.  Meanwhile, they’re safe in the high altitudes of the mountains in Pakistan.  What does Wal-Mart get out of this, the longest long-term terrorist scheme ever devised?  Well, after the pseudo-apocalypse, my informant tells me the top C.E.O.’s of the Wal-Mart corporation have been promised supreme, unquestionable dictatorship of Earth.  It’s a theory.

So don’t take so many unnecessary bags next time.

walmart_facebook

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Hot in HeRR

February 12, 2009 at 11:56 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

i have another problem w/ modern society. it must be 1 of those weaks.  all two often, i think we rely to heavily on spell check and dont bother to mess w/ stuff like grammer or miss use and imporper useage of punctuation.  it’s easier to not worry about capitolization and focus on the content and the ease of the read – then it is to worry about whether its written correctly or not.

u kno, mayB it’s txt msgings fault.  the limited characters have dun away with our ability to use the english skills we learned… in like forth grade.  Now our writing style as a society is inconcistent, and often inappropriate.  i sometimes find that i – me – ryan the pseudo-vowel warrior (call me that from now on) – is even succeptable to this language disease…  its not pretty.

anywayz, i say those of us who r responsible and feel like we have a pretty strong grasp on lang. should work hard to set a good example for the ppl who look up to us.  it seems like i see people more than ever using words and phrases they clearly don’t understand just to try to sound smart.  maybe it’s due to Microsoft WORD’s ease of the ‘thesaurus’ tool.  it puts these IMMENSE words in the hands of people who i’m not sure know how to OPERATE them.

anywayz – lol – try to help me fight this grammar war… its important that we understand what this could lead to.  incomprehsnbile jibberish.  hollaback yall.

word.

funny_539

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