Target: Expect more. Pay less.
So to this point I’ve successfully refrained from commenting or caring about the Tiger Woods scandal. I don’t plan on that changing. However, today I was at the Target in Springfield, IL and something caught my eye. As I walked out of the restroom, I noticed an old ad. The ad encompassed an entire wall (near the restrooms of course). It included pictures of celebrities accompanied by youth. Next to the pictures were inspirational or encouraging words. With the improved information we now have about one celebrity’s sexual liaisons, perhaps this one should be changed. It’s just a suggestion. Do what you will, Target.
Improved background information changes everything about this ad.
Update: After a quick Google search, I’ve learned that in 2001, Target and Tiger coupled their efforts to help improve life for the youth of the world. I’m sure there’s a more specific purpose to the organization, but I don’t really care what it is.
Welcome to the Good Life
Oh my! So much has happened since I last turned my cathexis to addressing the people in Internet world. I apologize for the use of the word “cathexis” but I just learned it and I want to look smart. So much has happened. For example, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at MTV’s VMAs, insisting that Beyonce should have won the award for Best Video instead of her. Then there was a huge public outcry and everyone hated Kanye West. Now Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at the CMAs and some people are pissed off about it, suggesting perhaps she didn’t deserve it.
Let’s see. I think that’s probably about all that’s happened over the last month or so. There were some shootings and something to do with the health care bill, but as someone whose primary news source is facebook news feed (Not really. Don’t castrate me), I think the first paragraph covered the topics we as a country feel most passionately about. I would suggest that Twitter would be a better source for news, but I hate it, and as far as I can tell it’s mostly used for daughters of former presidential candidates pissing off conservative people and governors showing their breakfast to the world.
So, back to the lecture at hand (perfection is perfected so I’ma let ‘em understand), we’re going to talk about Kanye West and Taylor Swift. This is a conflict that seems like it needs a resolution and since I don’t see these names as real people but as performers whose names go next to songs, I think the fairest way to settle this is to have a song battle.
When I typed “Taylor Swift” into iTunes, her top 3 most popular songs were “You Belong With Me,” “Love Story,” and “Our Song.” Kanye’s top 3 were “Heartless,” “Stronger,” and “Gold Digger.” I originally planned on doing top 5, but I don’t know Taylor’s #4 song and I’m not a thorough enough investigator to listen to something new.
First up: “You Belong With Me” vs. “Heartless.” Both of these songs are pretty whiney. The difference is that Kanye has given up and is jaded against his girl while Taylor is (naively) still hopeful that the boy of her dreams will break up with his girlfriend and come date her. This one is a tie because they’re both complaining too hard for me to think straight.
Next up: “Love Story” vs. “Stronger.” This is a tough comparison. It’s like comparing apples and… detergent. Love story is, well, a love story. As far as I can tell, Stronger is sort of about pursuing a girl, although it kind of switches a lot and the hook doesn’t seem to relate to the rest of the song. Although Stronger is badass, point Taylor for being cute and mostly consistent.
Lastly: “Our Song” vs. “Gold Digger.” I’ve got to give this matchup to Kanye just because of the line “We want prenup” (yeaaah).
But wait, some might say – doesn’t that make it a tie? The score is 1-1. As the official scorekeeper, the tie goes to Kanye because he runs this town (feat. Jay-Z (hovi, baby) and Rihanna) so everyone has to stop hating on him, admit that he’s living the good life, start his new workout plan, and keep your love locked down (or you lose).
Of course this could all change if Taylor comes out with a new better song some time soon. Good luck.
UPDATE:
I have been reminded that Taylor Swift is cooler than I gave her credit for. Please see the following video as evidence:
Of course this bumps her into a slight lead over Kanye. Kanye’s rebuttal? A big tall glass of crazy:
I know it may seem like the deck is stacked, but I’ve got to give this one back to Kanye. He’s the model of consistency and he gets bonus points for the reaction he elicited from Mike Myers.
Everyone Will Notice, But No One Will Know
I’ve been watching a fair amount of TV on Hulu lately and it’s a fantastic service but they keep playing one commercial in particular over and over again and it creeps me out a little each time. Open your eyes to Juvederm.
Sorry about the funky 10 second countdown to the beginning. It’s to build a sense of drama.
Anyway, I like how they use the airbrush filter on the camera lens so she doesn’t have any wrinkles anyway. The part that always makes me cringe, though, is at about 18 seconds when it pops up “injectable gel.” Injectable gel?!? Is this episode of Psych really being sponsored by brand name Botox?
I realize growing older in today’s society isn’t easy. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I think when you get to the crossroads in your life when you really feel you have to choose between having laugh lines and injecting your face with shit to get rid of them, I think it’s probably okay to have the laugh lines.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to be at my weekly meeting with my plastic surgeon.
This post brought to you by Juvederm, Kanye West, and the letter R.
Ad-itude
I don’t have much to say today but there is a little something I want to share with you. I generally just skim over ads. I see them as a necessary evil. They pay for the online content, but I have no real interest in them. However, if you pay attention, you see a lot of interesting ads online.
I’m going to stop beating around the bush so much. I stumbled across a weird ad yesterday and I want to share it. Enjoy.
Do you feel lonely tonight?
Barack Skywalker
It’s uncanny how well I predict the future sometimes. For instance, some of you may remember back on January 23, 2009, I introduced you to a little collectable I like to call the Barack Obama action figure. Check it. I can’t change the dates on these things as far as I know so that mamma jamma’s real. Well now 8 months later, in the midst of Chicago vying to host the Olympic games in 2016, President Obama must have read of my uncanny ability to get things done just by writing about them and decided to try to appease me for help. Yes, Mr. President. Because you’re trying so hard, it shall be so. I’m telling you right here and now that I predict Chicago will host the Olympic games in 2016. You can mark it down on your 7 year calendar.
I also think President Obama is using the force to help influence the Olympic Committee. I can imagine the conversation.
“I’m Barack Obama. You do not need to see my identification.”
“We don’t need to see your identification.”
“This is the city you’re looking for.”
“This is the city we’re looking for.”
“You can go about your business.”
“We’re going to go about our business.”
I’m pretty sure that’s how it went down.
Congratulations, Chicago. Chiggetty-Check it.
September 16, 2009
Original - January 2009
Take a closer look. I dare you. He’s got on a white shirt and dark pants, a blue lightsaber, and even a tie with a red pattern. If that doesn’t say he’s recreating the picture, I don’t know what does.
Interestingly, if we could pan a little bit on the new photograph, we would see Dick Cheney dressed in a black robe holding his red lightsaber (Get it? He’s evil!)
I thought you might like to see it turned on, too
May the force be with you.
Does Everybody Know What Time It Is?
The answer to the question proposed in today’s title may just be waiting in the welfare line if my argument is compelling enough.
I don't know why Al and Wilson are in the Taylor family portrait.
The show “Home Improvement” was beloved by Americans for 8 seasons, starting in 1991 and ending in 1999. However, I suggest to you the drastically different shape the show would have taken had it been set 10 years later from 2001 to 2009, or alternatively, if the characters in show were real people like most of the rest of us and would have continued living longer than 8 years. So today let’s take a look at what would have really happened had the cameras never gone off on Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor and why the show could never have been launched today.
First of all, I want to point out that I’m going to try to be realistic about possible reality faced by the characters in the show. I’m not just throwing out a scenario based on an unguessable random string of events that sitcoms arcs usually take. I’m basing this on economic and social issues we’re facing today.
Home Improvement was set in Detroit, Michigan where Tim Taylor hosted a local TV show called “Tool Time” where he had an affinity for always adding “more power!” to machines, providing impressive results for a few seconds before they backfire and usually end up injuring him. He lived with his wife, Jill, who had gone back to school to get her PhD in Psychology and their 3 children, Randy, Brad, and Mark, listed in order of importance.
I suggest the Taylors would have been left without income when Tim’s show was cancelled. Why would his show be cancelled, you ask? Well, after the economic downturn of 2008 and the ever-struggling American automotive industry of 2009, Detroit, the car capital of the United States, has been hit the hardest with unemployment rates hitting 17.7% at time of publication.
Additionally, there is no way Binford Tools could continue to keep Tim on the payroll. He visits the emergency room at least weekly. His insurance would be through the roof and a regional tool couldn’t afford to pay those kinds of premiums for an individual with such a health record. He would be left basically uninsurable and unemployable and the burden would be shifted completely to Jill.
I know some naysayers out there will suggest that there is an allusion to moving to Indiana in the final episode of Home Improvement where Jill was offered a teaching job (I do my research) and if that was the case, perhaps the family could have been fine. However, the dynamic established in the series could never have lasted through 2009.
My last point crosses over and confuses Tim Taylor with Tim Allen but it’s something I learned and just want to share. It would also be difficult for Tim to find another real job since he’s a convicted felon, serving over 2 years in prison after being caught with a pound and a half of cocaine in 1978.
It's Blow Time!
(So when Santa Claus offers you snow, don’t take it)
Who wants nose candy for Christmas?
On a totally unrelated note, I would like to present to you pictures of some other people who would be suitably featured on Tool Time.
Maybe the just really like carrots
Jon plus Jailbait minus Kate and 8
Palindrome
Dammit I’m Mad.
That’s partially true but mostly just so the play on words title of this entry isn’t a complete lie. Check it. It’s a palindrome. I stole it from comedian Demetri Martin, but that doesn’t make it less of a palindrome.
When I began writing this blog, I was trying to write it so that entries could be read in pretty much any order at pretty much any place in time and still be semi-applicable. In other words, I was trying not to date it too badly. I was also trying to keep my own political views out of it as much as possible. Oh what a silly child I was 8 months ago.
Well, in my revised opinion, things that are topical shouldn’t be untouchable. Additionally, if a hinting at my political or social opinion creeps out along with it, I’m all the merrier.
Now, having thoroughly disclaimed my new take on blog entry writing, I would like to remind everyone that Sarah Palin, infamous Vice-Presidential… well loser… has of course decided to step down from her post as the governor of Seward’s Icebox (That’s what we used to call Alaska before we found out they had oil. Check your history book.) Anyway, I’m getting off task. Sarah Palin, who somehow has unearthed a strong and annoyingly loud fundamentalist right-wing movement, decided to have a kind of last hurrah and a picnic in her hometown of Wasilla, AK before she steps down. At this event, she served hot dogs, signed autographs, and handed out little American flags to families of active service members.
I thought it might be fun for me to add insightful captions to some of the pictures from the event. Enjoy.
All photos taken from adn.com.
This is a logical move. Every governor resignation picnic I've been to has balloons and face painting, too.
"Sign this book you didn't write!" "No! Sign my plate! I'll put it on the wall next to my commemorative plate from Silver Dollar City"
"Thank you, Young Palin. I'll never watch this sweatshirt again."
This is the best picture I saw of her sweatshirt. It says "Once a Patriot, Always a *logo for New England Patriots*" The theme for this picnic was patriotism so I'm not 100% sure she knew she was supporting a football team.
Surely there's nothing in this picture I could mock...
... Except that her face is really a mask!
Alright that’s enough. That was too easy and I think I probably came off sounding mean. That’s the thing about attacking her. She’s like a koala bear… so cute and cuddly and you’d have to be a monster to say or do anything bad to it. However, the second you get too close, she’ll rip your eyes out. Also, the koala has convoluted aspirations of becoming the President of the country. Somehow, it’s a lose-lose.
In closing, I leave you with a thought reminiscent of my opening line today. ”Do geese see God?”
America, America, This is You
We have issues as a society. Greed and insider deals have ruined lives and made unrighteous fortunes. Just ask Halliburton Co. Increasingly, it seems, in order to be successful in this life, who you know is as important if not more important than what you know. Just ask anyone put on a waiting list at the University of Illinois. It’s this insider fast track that frustrates and really insults the hard working Americans trying to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and make a name for themselves. We’ve tried to clean up some acts a bit with insider trading and trying to hedge out unethical investors. Just ask Martha Stewart. But it’s just not enough! I’m calling for a new era of increased transparency, of honesty and conviction where hard-working Americans don’t have to take a back seat to rich fat cats with an uncle who knows a guy. We need change and we need it now!
So why do the top 3 videos on AFV (America’s Funniest Home Videos) always suck? There is always one video that is sort of funny and then two or three that just suck ass as hard as anyone can suck ass. Right now I am calling out ABC to make their choosing of these potential winners more transparent. If you’ve ever watched the show with any of its numerous hosts, you know what I’m talking about.
Anyway, if anyone could shed some light on the process they use to choose the finalists, I’d really appreciate it. Either the people are sending in their videotapes with a wad of money in the envelope, they know a guy who knows a guy who used to work at the show, or the producers lay all the tapes out on the ground and let a dog in the room. The first 3 he sniffs make the finals. It’s a theory. It’s probably wrong.
Moral of the story – choose funnier videos for the finalists.
PS – Why do the hosts always have to talk through all the clips? Sorry, AFV. No matter how cool you try to make yourself by using an acronym instead of a name, you’re less funny than YouTube.
Take a Look at Me
This blog is not going to turn into just a place for me to post videos that I think are funny. As long as it lives, it will be a platform for me to bitch about real-life topics that need bitching. I will also continue to spend an above average amount of time bitching about nonsensical topics. Don’t worry. I’ve not sold out completely yet. However, having just testified to my own fortitude, I think it’s fair to now reveal that today’s post is only to premiere a new video I found online.
If you’re under 28, you’ve already seen the “I’m on a Boat” video and song by The Lonely Island & T-Pain, so you can skip this first video. It’s just to catch my older audience up to 2008.
Alright now that we’re all on the same page, I want to introduce you to a cover. Faithful reader, meet cover. Cover, meet faithful reader. Talk amongst yourselves. Enjoy. I’ll be at the punch bowl. Oh by the way, don’t give up on this second video in the first 30 seconds.
Iran So Far
It’s a tumultuous time in Iran right now and I’m not going to make light of that with a goofy blog post. However, I would like us all turn to our spiritual and cultural leader, Andy Samberg to see a video he and Adam Levine, the lead singer from Maroon 5, released on SNL a couple years ago after Mahmud Ahmadinejad (Iran’s current president, if you’ve been living under a rock) famously declared that there were no gay people in Iran.
